Two days ago I had a little setback. I came back to my desk in the library after a beautiful lunch with my friends. Everything was okay. I wasn’t especially worried or stressed about something. I was feeling okay. And suddenly it shifted. I felt soooo tired, ready to fall asleep any minute. I couldn’t read, I couldn’t focus. The text in front of my eyes got blurry. I thought I just ate too much, slept not good enough and just had an after-lunch-fatigue. I didn’t pay it much attention. But I decided to go home and get some rest, because studying without concentration is just not working.
I hopped on my bike and left. I still couldn’t focus, was tired and even the sunshine was too much. All of a sudden I felt tears running down my cheeks. I cried. Without any reason. Without a slight chance to make it stop. I had no control over it. By the time I came home my body was shaking and the tears still ran down my cheeks. I was lucky to be able to fall into the arms of my friend, who is closer to me than anyone else. He held me in his arms and he let me cry. Let me be who I was. Helped me to calm down.
"Sometimes we need to crash in order to rethink"
Now two days later, I still feel a little off. I am a positive person, a believer, a fighter. But for the last days I lost that part of myself. Slowly I am regaining my strength, feeling those three characters coming back. Writing down what has happened helped. And while I sat down with my journal, I realized that I, myself, got me to where I was. I pressured myself. I pressured myself to much. I compared, looked for a ‘perfect’ me. Collected characteristics to define that ‘perfect self’. And in all that, I forgot myself. Who I was. Every part in my life was working on reaching goals: First thing there is my thesis – of course this is lot’s of pressure, and not all is under my control, but still I play a big part in it. Then there is health&fitess – always a big role in my life, I’ve reached a lot here, but I still have to figure out a balance with those two, a way to be happy&fit and not living in a construct of rules. And lastly, there is my blog – I am dreaming big here, but struggling to find my way, but who am I kidding? I just started a few months back and remember:
"Rome wasn't built in one day"
And next to all those I am struggling with the future. I am going to finish my studies in fall and I have no clue what to do afterwards. I know what I SHOULD do, what everyone is expecting me to do. But what is it, that I want to do? I have a big dream…but is it realistic? Can I make it work? Can I risk it?
I stumbled upon this article today. It got me to think, and more importantly it gave me courage. My life changed, I changed. With this blog I started to go after a big dream. I made that decision. And I am proud. But I struggled to stand up for it, for myself, for my blog. I forgot that I am living my life. That I am living the life that I want, not anyone else. I only have to please one person – ME.
At the end I want to share some articles and blogposts with you, that I red the last days and that inspired me:
I discovered the Darling Magazine and loved this article.
Live life deeply is a blog that I read on a weekly basis, I love Nicole’s writing, her drawings of Miss Deeply and this article helped me a lot.
Also this and this blogpost from the talented photographer and writer Joana got me inspired.